


The Bottle Episode

by agnesanutter



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e03 His Last Vow, Post-Season/Series 03, Sharing Body Heat, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-24 07:17:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4910212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agnesanutter/pseuds/agnesanutter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>THIS IS 4000 WORDS OF 99.9% Dialogue. I know. I know. I don't expect ANYONE to read the whole thing. I was just  awake (YAY INSOMNIA!) wishing there was a post s3 all dialogue fic. There wasn't one so obviously I had to write one. SO ya....Sherlock and John are stuck underground in a bunker of sorts and they talk. If this were an episode of television this would be the bottle episode (episode that takes place all in one location and consists largely of dialogue).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bottle Episode

John.

Nnn-ugh  
  
John, please.  
  
Wh-wha? Oh God my head.  
  
I checked it. I don't think it's a concussion but please do wake up.  
  
F-fine. God. Where are we?  
  
It would appear I miscalculated Lady Devalo's involvement in the smuggling ring.  
  
Ya think? It was her who cracked my head open.  
  
Yes, and the one who told me the lorry was parked on the opposite side.  I didn't see the henchmen until it was too late.  
  
Mm. So where are we? I can barely see a thing. It's so bloody dark in here.  
  
I'm not sure. I assume one of the rooms where they keep the men and women who are eventually smuggled into indentured servitude.  
  
Slavery, Sherlock. Call it what it is.  
  
If they pay they are allowed to leave so not quite slavery.  
  
And where do you suppose an immigrant in a foreign land will come up with thousands of pounds?  
  
Point you.  
  
Do we have enough room to stand?  
  
Yes, I stood earlier when I was trying to get the lay of the room. The room appears to be 10 meters long. 8 wide.  
  
And a door?  
  
None I could tell. I walked with my hands along the wall but couldn't detect an opening.  
  
_*Snort*_ Of course. So what do we do?  
  
We'll be found eventually.  
  
By who? You didn't bloody call Lestrade like I told you to.  
  
No, but he's a smart man. He'll figure it out.  
  
Oh! _Now_ he's a smart man? When our lives are in imminent danger he's a smart man?  
  
It's not imminent.  
  
  
....

  
Though I take your point. But even in Gerard's confusion.  
  
Greg's.  
  
As you say.  Even if Lestrade cannot follow a few simple clues, there is always him. He'll get involved eventually.  
  
And how long is eventually for Mycroft?  
  
Two days max. That's the timeline our parents set.  
  
Your parents?  
  
Yes. After my last foray into medicinal drug use they-  
  
  
Mmm  
  
  
We all agreed Mycroft was allowed to intercede if I was out of touch for more than two days.  
  
They could kill us twenty times over in that time.  
  
The one time should suffice.  
  
Don't know about that. You tend to come back from the dead.  
  
And you tend to live even when you're gravely injured. So I think we'll both be fine.  
  
Could starve to death or die of thirst.  
  
Not in two days. Plus there's the six mini bottles of vodka in my coat.  
  
Why do you have six mini bottles of vodka in you coat?  
  
I intended to use them as an incendiary device to draw out the men guarding the entrance.  
  
Ahh. Well save those. Can't imagine alcohol would help our situation.  
  
Perhaps.  
  
Plus I just wanna sleep. This mattress on the floor is more comfortable than I'd've _*yawn*_ thought.  
  
John, you can't sleep.  
  
I can and I will. Just wake me up in about twenty minutes.  
  
With what watch shall I time it?  
  
Internal clock.  
  
No. Just stay awake. Sit up.  
  
Fine.  
  
You can lean on me just don't sleep.  
  
Your shoulder isn't very comfortable. You're all skin and bones.  
  
Everyone is all skin and bones.  
  
Need to fatten you up a bit.  
  
You do. Your cooking is missed.  
  
Hah. Liar. You barely ate when I was there.  
  
I ate some.  
  
And now you barely eat when you come 'round mine.  
  
Only because 'round yours' is quite far away and the trek tires me out.  
  
It's not a trek.  
  
It is.  
  
Isn't.  
  
It is-I still don't understand why you won't return home.  
  
Because. I- Look I'm doing fine where I am.  
  
But-  
  
Don't Sherlock.  
  
For God's sake, John.  She's gone.  
  
I said don't.  
  
Fine.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
I know she's gone.  
  
...  
  
And even before that I knew the baby wasn't mine. You going and getting that paternity test done was just final confirmation. I already knew when we first brought her home.

John, I'm--

She was a precious little thing though. I loved her.  
  
You did? But that doesn-  
  
I know it doesn't make sense to you but she was still mine in a way. I was the first person who ever saw her take a breathe. There's something special about that.  
  
I see.  
  
No, you don't. Even I don't.  Never mind. I don't know what I'm saying.  
  
You were trying to explain why you won't move back.  
  
Because.  Well I-  
  
Is it because I revealed-  
  
No.  
  
Are you sure?  
  
No, I don't blame you. _* sigh *_ I think it's because I'm not quite sure about...about...

Sure about what?  
  
Two days? You sure Mycroft won't come before then?  
  
Unlikely. He once showed up after one day and ruined a case. One that caused a rather embarrassing incident which resulted in the Queen having to grant a knighthood to a Russian pimp.  
  
Wow.  
  
Yes. So he won't. No, our only hope of getting out of here sooner is if Lestrade follows the clues I laid out for him.  
  
And what were those again?  
  
I told him the smuggling ring involved a farm and a member of parliament.  
  
So how does he piece that together to find us?  
  
He doesn't. Hence me saying Mycroft will have to involve himself.  
  
But if Greg was to follow the clues?  
  
Who the devil is Greg?  
  
Lestrade! What will it bloody take you to remember his name?  
  
Ahh well if he were to run a match on all members of parliament who own a farm then he'd only come up with 12 names.  Only half own farms within a  30 kilometer radius of a train station.  The escaped man said they took a twenty minute trip in a car before he escaped at a train station. And the only thing we found on the smugglers hacked computer was...  
  
A tube map and schedule. Brilliant.  
  
Thank you.  
  
So he _could_ piece it together.  
  
He could.  
  
...  
  
But he won't.  
  
Why are you so sure he won't?  
  
Why are you avoiding the question from earlier?  
  
I'm not.  
  
You are.  
  
I just don't think we need to discuss it.  
  
We are trapped in a confined space. We have little chance of survival. We have not talked about it since Mary left seven months ago. When will be a better time?  
  
When I get to a point where I don't bloody worry about you leaving too!

What?  
  
You two. You just-You just break me.  
  
John...  
  
You-you left, Sherlock. Came back. She left. And maybe she'll come back. I don't know. But seems it's your turn to go soon.  
  
I won't. l-

You could.

I'm not plan-  
  
Shut up. God Sherlock. I didn't want to talk about this. Not now. Not ever. Can't you just let me just sleep for a few minutes?  
  
Okay.  
  
Okay?  
  
Yes, fine.  
  
Do you mind if I lean on your shoulder still? It'll help if you have to wake me quickly.  
  
I thought it was too bony.  
  
It is. But it's all I got.  
  
Okay.  
  
_~twenty minutes later~_  
  
John?  
  
Mmm mm  
  
John?  
  
No, Sherlock. It can't have been more than five minutes.  
  
More like twenty.  
  
Oh. Okay. I'll sit up.  
  
You're fine. You don't need to be vertical, just conscious.  
  
Okay.  
  
....  
  
How did we wind up like this?  
  
Like this? Oh. You laid down and after a few minutes you pulled me down as well.  
  
I pulled you down?  
  
  
Mm quite forcefully too.  
  
Ahhh. Sorry.  
  
Not a problem. I believe you were dreaming.  You mumbled something to the effect of 'take cover' and there you go.  
  
Ahh.  
  
You still dream about the army.  
  
Not often. I sometimes dream about that day though.  
  
That day?  
  
The day I got shot.  
  
Oh.  
  
I was patching up a private. Two more were huddled around when shots rang out. I tried to get them to take cover but they wanted to shield their friend.  
  
I see.  
  
None of them made it.  
  
You made it.  
  
I was the only one who did. I still don't know why.  
  
Because your injuries were not severe enough to--  
  
No, I know that. I mean I know you don't believe in God and all that. It's just so random. Why me and not the next bloke? We were all in the line of fire in a very dangerous position. I didn't deserve to live anymore than they deserved to die.  
  
I'm glad you lived.  
  
_*laugh*_  Me too.  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
About?  
  
Leaving you.  
  
Sherlock, you don't have to-  
  
And Mary leaving. Maybe if I hadn't confirmed it she would've stayed.  
  
I told you I already knew.  
  
Yes , but it was the nail for her. To know that I 'd not let her secret stand. Suppose she couldn't trust that I'd not tell other secrets.  
  
Would you have?  
  
No. I believed her. She wanted a new life.  
  
Well she has one now. A new-new life.  
  
Yes. She seems quite content.  
  
...  
  
Should we try to sleep again?  
  
...  
  
I think if we had one drink we won't become intoxicated but it should sate our thirst a bit.  
  
Sherlock, do you know where she is?  
  
I um--yes.  
  
Okay. Okay.  
  
John? John sit back down.  
  
Okay.   
  
Please sit. Your head.  
  
Okay.  
  
Stop saying "okay."  
  
Fine.  
  
Well.  
  
Well what?  
  
What do you want to know?  
  
No.  
  
No? What do you mean no?  
  
I don't. I'm trying to decide if I want to know anything. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to talk to you again after you kept this from me.  
  
...  
  
So yeah. No is all I have to say right now.  
  
Okay.  
  
...  
  
Could you at least stop pacing?  
  
...  
  
Will you please sit down?  
  
...  
  
Please?  
  
...  
  
Thank you.  
  
...  
  
I'm going to lie back down. You're shaking which means you're cold. So you should lie down too.  
  
...  
  
  
Or fine just sit over there.  
  
Is the baby okay?  
  
She is. She's gaining weight steadily. Seems to be a healthy, happy child. She's due another check up in two months. I can forward you the results if you'd like.  
  
Okay.  
  
It wasn't my choice to know.  
  
How's that work?  
  
Mycroft.  
  
Ahh. Is Mary?  
  
In his employ now. Well she's semi-retired. But he wasn't going to let her out of his sight and she knew she was being tailed. Made sense to bring her in.  
  
And how's that involve you?  
  
He wanted to know if he could trust her as an operative.  
  
What'd you say?  
  
I said yes. Just don't offer to help her. She tends to shoot you for that.  
  
_*John laughs*_  
  
_*Sherlock laughs*_  
  
I'm glad she's safe. Makes things easier I suppose.  
  
Does it?  
  
Budge up. I'm freezing.  
  
Of course.  
  
And drinking alcohol will only make us colder.  
  
Only eventually. As long as we keep imbibing we'll stay somewhat warm.  
  
No, it lowers your core temperature. The thought that you're warmer is just a trick of your body.  
  
Well it's science. Alcohol is a vasodilator, meaning that it causes your blood vessels to dilate, particularly the capillaries under the surface of your skin.  Thus, the volume of blood brought to the skin’s surface increases, making you feel warm. It could work for a stop gap.  
  
Let's use that as a last alternative. For now body heat should do.  
  
It should.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
I'm not leaving.  
  
Sherlock you don't have to-  
  
Not again that is. You tend to get married when I leave.  
  
Yes, how dare I move on while you're away.  
  
I didn't think you would.  
  
What?  
  
I thought you'd be there waiting for me at Baker Street.  
  
Why would you-  
  
It kept me going in a way. The thought of you sat in your armchair, waiting for a miracle.  
  
I was.  Sat there that is. I was sat there for a long time, too long a time. People were starting to talk.  
  
It's what they do.  
  
But I had to go. I couldn't stand being there without you.  
  
I was going to come back.  
  
What do you mean?  
  
I was going to come back and you'd be there at Baker. Maybe you'd have just brewed some tea or would be sat reading one of those abysmal spy novels. I'd come back and you'd look up. At first you'd think I was a ghost and once I told you that you were an idiot for thinking that you'd know it was me. And you'd be angry.  
  
I was angry.  
  
And you might punch me.  
  
I did punch you.  
  
But eventually you'd understand why I did it.  
  
I do understand.  
  
And you'd forgive me.  
  
I do.  
  
And you'd....  
  
What?  
  
Never mind.  
  
No, tell me. What would I do?  
  
I'm tired. Let's sleep.  
  
No, tell me.  
  
...  
  
Sherlock, you. You know you say you won't leave but you're not even really back.  
  
What do you mean?  
  
You changed. You came back different and you won't even tell me how or why and. Oh never mind Sherlock.  
  
I've not changed.  
  
You have.  
  
How?  
  
You let Mary slip by you.  
  
I did that for you.  
  
Yes, and before you'd not have done that.  
  
...  
  
So you see. Changed.  
  
I'd come back and you'd forgive me and you'd tell me you missed me.  
  
Sherlock....

It's fine. You don't have to-

Sherlock, just ask anyone who saw me after. Missing you was only the half of it.  
  
What was the other half?  
  
I-...  
  
John?  
  
I don't know. It's just a phrase.  
  
I see.  
  
Should we try to sleep?  
  
You sleep. I'll keep watch.  
  
Okay I'll just kip for a few minutes then you can.  
  
Okay.  
  
_~Two hours later.~_  
  
Mm-Is that- is that sunlight?  
  
Yes.  
  
I thought we were underground.  
  
We are. But there appears to be a small window in the ceiling. I didn't notice it before with the darkness and the exceedingly cloudy sky.  
  
So can we get out?  
  
I'm 1.9 meters and you're 1.6.

Almost 1.7

Even standing on each other's shoulders we'd barely reach. And even then if we fall...  
  
We could hurt ourselves and with no immediate medical care we'd be far worse off. Right.  
  
Mycroft will....  
  
So you keep saying.  
  
It doesn't give me any pleasure to trust my brother but in this I absolutely do.  
  
Why is that?  
  
You've never seen my mother upset.  
  
I imagine that's a sight.  
  
Yes, one you'd never want to see again if you ever witnessed it a first time. Nor does Mycroft.  
  
Ahh. Okay.  
  
Lie back down. S'c-cold  
  
Sherlock, you're freezing.  
  
Th-that's why I said to lie back down.  
  
Sherlock.  
  
Mm?  
  
Did you drink the vodka?  
  
Yes, experiment.  
  
Experiment to see how dumb you can be?  
  
S'no. Just to see if I could increase body temperature and maintain it as long as I didn't relieve myself.  
  
Relieve yourself? Sherlock do you need to take a piss?  
  
A bit. I think if I just hold it in I'll retain my-my body heat.  
  
Sherlock?  
  
Mmm  
  
Sherlock just go piss in the corner.  
  
No. I think if I-  
  
If you don't then I shall be more cross than your mother ever would be. You're harming yourself more by holding it in.  
  
Fine.  
  
And leave your coat here. That's our blanket. Don't want any splash back.  
  
My aim is fine.  
  
...  
  
...  
  


Better?

Better.

Now lie back. Actually you take the coat. I'll be fine.

No. You take part. I don't see how.  
  
Fine let's just--  
  
Well if you would just--  
  
No you go--  
  
Sherlock, just bloody be the small spoon!  
  
Why?  
  
Because you're cold and I can help warm you up if I'm holding you like this.  
  
I don't think that's scientifically accurate.  
  
Trust me. It is.

_*Sigh*_

There. Isn't that better?  
  
It's not, not better.  
  
There's that genius intellect everyone loves.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Not everyone.  
  
Well I do.  
  
You do. Don't you?  
  
'Course I do.  
  
I meant to say-  
  
'Course I do.  
  
...  
  
Breathe.  
  
Jo-...  
  
  
So how would he narrow it down?  
  
Who?  
  
Your brother. I take it that he'll follow the same clues as Lestrade.  
  
Oh. Um. No. He'll use the GPS tracker from my coat.  
  
You have a GPS in your coat?  
  
Mm. For years.  
  
Oh.  
  
How else do you think he keeps such close tabs on me?  
  
I dunno. Pays your friends to spy on you? CCTV?  
  
Well he does that but this was a solution to when those failed.  
  
I can't believe you'd agree to that.  
  
Well I don't always wear the coat with the gps in.  And I've lots of coats. And um. Wait.  
  
Sherlock, didn't you change before we left?

Hmm?

Sherlock?  
  
Ye-es?  
  
You are wearing the one with the GPS in, right?  
  
I'm in my palace right now tying to confirm. No fast forward past that. And don't need that. Ahh yes. I'd gotten refuse on my coat. I went home to change and  you were waiting for me. Ready to go check this farm for the case. I came inside. I saw you and you were standing there looking exceedingly handsome and making tea.  You smiled at me and the world stopped for a minute. Then I went into my room and ahh yes, yes this is the one with the GPS in. So you see it's fine.  
  
...  
  
John?  
  
I was handsome?  
  
I said that aloud.  
  
You did.  
  
And the bit about you smiling as well?  
  
The world stopped apparently.  
  
Oh.  
  
Sherlock...  
  
John, I'm. You know it was probably the alcohol talking.  
  
You only had the one.  
  
Right.  
  
....

....  
  
Sherlock?  
  
...  
  
C'mon Sherlock.  
  
....  
  
My hand is on your chest. I know you're breathing but still.  
  
...  
  
Can you please just say so--  
  
....  
  
Did I ever tell you the first time Stamford introduced us was the first time I thought what a beautiful bloke?  
  
....  
  
And I mean. I don't know. You probably already knew this but nothing ever happened with James. He was kind to me and I enjoyed his company but nothing ever happened. And I thought okay well that's fine then. I'm uh...never mind.

Go on.  
  
Well I'm rarely attracted to both. Takes a lot I suppose. Which was good. Or at least I thought it was. Made things easier to stick with one. Simpler. But it never happened with him. This tall commanding man who was amazing.  
  
I see.  
  
No, you don't. Because I thought right well if we couldn't get it together then it must be because I'm really mostly attracted to women so I'll continue on with that.  
  
And you did.  
  
And I did. But I met you and I don't know. Things changed and they didn't. I kept trying and you were you. Then you left and then Mary. And when you came back I was so angry. God. I just couldn't believe you'd--Because I'd grieved and you just negated all that pain.  
  
But ...  
  
No, let me say this.

I just. I don’t know how this works really.  Because you know we’re not just. It’s all just--You _**do**_   know.

I do.

But we’re not exactly compatible. And I’ve never and you’ve never.

I have.

You have?

Once. It didn’t work out.

Well even I mean that’s just the mechanics of it all. There’s a lot more. And I don’t know if we should. We could lose so much.

That is the smart decision.

Then again we’re both idiots. And I don’t see myself living without you ever again.

I don’t live without you. I just exist. I wait.

That’s almost poetic.

Shut up.

And you poke fun at me for what I say to my girlfriends.

Don’t remind me. It was painful to read what you wrote to Catherine.

I stand by that song. And it was really hard to rhyme her name.

“Oh how I care for you dear Catherine. And if you were ever lost I’d find a map and.”

“Catherine, Map and...” I think it works.

It most certainly does not work.

She liked it.

She would.

Sherlock, I don’t live without you either.

You are aware I will disappoint you constantly.

You are aware that I will disappoint you as well.

I don’t think…I mean you're truly an idiot if you think that’s possible.

I’m far from perfect.

I know.

I’ll worry and not trust you. I'll question you constantly. I’ll yell when you don’t do things I already knew you wouldn’t do.

I like when you yell.

I-well I’ll yell so much you’ll not like it.

I like everything you do.

Sherlock…

It’s true.

Well eventually you’ll get tired of it and you’ll wish we never did this.

It won’t even take eventually with you. I speculate we last six months and then you’ll leave. I’ll only see you years later after you’ve remarried, had children, and almost completely forgotten about us. Maybe you’ll stop by because you worry your wife is having an affair and you need help proving it.

In this scenario my wife cheats on me?

I can’t help the patterns of your life, John.

And what happens next?

I take the case of course. You tag along. We find out she is sleeping with someone. You’re hurt. You drink and well we end up…

So even then we end up together.

We shag. I didn’t say we end up together.

I don’t think it’d be possible for me to let you go again. So I say we end up together. 

John...

Since it’s inevitable I say we go for it.

We go for it? Even if the six months turns out to be correct? And the cheating wife and smelly kids?

Well I’d prefer to skip the cheating and smelly children.  Maybe we’ll just be happy.

Happy?

Don’t we deserve it? After everything? I know I deserve it and I’m pretty sure you do too. And…

And?

I love  you, Sherlock. And fuck it. You love me too. I know you do.

Yes.

So let’s just wait for Mycroft to get us out of here and then...that’s it. This is it. You’re honest with me. I move back in with you. And we stop fighting our own stupid fears. Aren’t you tired of being afraid?

I’m not afraid.

I know. You're brave.

Not as brave as you.

Well we can't all be John Watson.

You know that love thing you said.

That I love you and you love me? What about it?

Say it again.

I love you ,Sherlock and you love me.

 

\-----

 

_Mycroft shows up finally and they're touching each other's peens and kissing each other and it's beautiful. The end._


End file.
